Procrastination

Procrastination. Why is it the bane of my existence? Is it because I want to make myself suffer to remind myself that I'm doing this for a reason? Or is it because I don't really appreciate what I have and am longing for the ability to? Either way, no matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to finish what I've started. Lists upon lists have compiled of tasks I have started and have never ended. None of them on paper, only in my memory. So that no one will see how lethargic I am when it comes to pushing myself. Although those closest to me already know, I still try to conceal it. But why? If they already know what and who I am and that this is a problem of mine, and they are still willing to accept me, then why must I feel the need to portray that I am a hard-working individual? Is it to please them, or myself. Is it really because I cannot accept myself as a procrastinating son-of-a-bitch? The one time of my life that I am granted an extended period of time with no interruptions or noise, complete serenity-I cannot appreciate it enough to bring myself, to force myself, to actually get something done. And later, when asked what I have accomplished, I will lie, and say that I got a lot done. I don't think there is an answer to this so far, and that makes me unhappy. This is a handicap. This is what cripples me from doing my best, and there is no way for me to overcome it or get rid of it. It is a mental, terminal, illness. Maybe, I should ask for an Anointing of the Crazy for when my grades go up to heaven along with the rest of the things I have not finished in my life. If there is one thing I hate about myself more than anything else, it is being this lazy thing that could be labeled as a human being. Because I feel like I am not worthy of being a human. I feel like I am just a shell filled with nothing, where there is supposed to be determination and vigor. Fifteen pages to write, and none can be conceived until I am at the breaking point. I don't feel ungrateful, but that is how I am acting. I will try again, but today, I think nothing will be achieved.